Talking to myself again…
I don’t really know what to do anymore. All i can do it type and draw i guess. after corey moves, i wont have any friends left…i might have some friends but i can’t tell that they are there. not a call or a txt from anyone other than my amazing boyfriend. Yet hardly any from him because he is working hard as fuck right now to get a car and a home for us. im so lucky to have him. Sucks not having anyone to talk to tho. I don’t know how to make friends, i have a million acquaintances, but no friends. only time people talk to me is if they have a problem or need a tattoo or piercing done. no one ever cares to talk to me anymore. i feel like i don’t even exist some time. i find myself getting envious of those who do have friends to hang out with or to talk to. I want a best friend again.
You would think, a tattoo artist would have hella friends, but no. just customers, which when you think about it, it makes sense. Im such a nice person, and i love everybody, and im very loyal…why don’t i have any friends? look at me talking like im some stray animal looking for a home. but then again, i guess i am. i’ve always been looking for someone to love me. My boyfriend loves me but even he has friends. i don’t wanna depend on him entirely. thats too much of a burden.
but then again i don’t expect anyone to want to talk to me. i talk way too much and im weird as fuck and im too smart either. i have plenty of common sense but that wont help you get friends. maybe im just born late. i always felt like i was 3 years ahead of my age. i even act like it. but then again people older than me don’t wanna be my friend either. i guess i just don’t know what to do.
I work all day 5 days a week and then come home and sit in my bed waiting for my boyfriend to call me after he gets off of work. but i feel like thats a sad thing to do. if you look at my recent calls, they all come from my boyfriend and my mom. no one else. My boyfriend is the only one that txt me too.
Im a very lonely person, but i have such a big heart and so much love. i can’t give all my love to one person. im afraid that i will run him away one day if i do. i fuckin love my boyfriend. he is treating me so well. i just don’t know what to do tho. i don’t wanna be depressed all the time but at the same time i don’t know how to be happy without being around my boyfriend. he is the joy in my life…i have no one else so i don’t know what to do..
I guess my only option is to just right. if im feeling down i can just write on tumblr. im sure no one reads this shit. if they do then im sure someone would try and befriend me but nope. I’ll write and write and write. i think this counts as talking to myself but im not sure. i mean…i guess. well im not really talking back im just….idk. its better than nothing. at least i’ve got myself and my boyfriend.
I don’t understand why i try so fuckin had to remain friends with corey. i guess im desperate. i know he doesn’t care to talk to me anymore. he is trying his hardest to fade me out but i wont let him. i confront him about it all the time, all he says is sorry and doesn’t change anything. i guess confronting him gives me something to do. I have a lot of free time and i waste it all away waiting for someone to come out of no where and be nice to me.
Im just a nice person. im very kind and loving to people, i just with someone would return the favor. I just have to learn to not get bothered with being alone. I have such a hard time dealing with it. i wonder if everyone is like this. not having a hard time but..no it doesn’t make sense. of course other people have friends. people they can talk to, hang out with, etc…i know im not the only lonely one there is..but im me so its worse of course cause im ME. lol
well this is taking up some time. my boyfriend just called me saying he is getting a beer and talking home afterwards. he will be calling me again soon. see like i said i just sit around at home and wait for his call. he is the only person i have conversations with. I know its a sad pathetic thing. i try not to tell him all of my problems because like i said i don’t wanna run him away.
My problems are the waves of the ocean and i don’t want to drown him. I will lock myself up tight if it means not running him away. i mean shit, he is human, any human will run away if you unleash alllll your unhappy thoughts out on them.
I just got off the phone with him, talkin about how i should go work at another shop because im not making enough money and they are too strict. i don’t know what to do cause i don’t wanna fuck up my future…
tried talking to corey again but it didnt work, he just said “well im not sure what to say to u.”…he wont even make an effort to have a conversation with me anymore. i asked my boyfriend if he could call me back after taking his shower becuase i don’t talk to anyone all day long..i feel awful..i know he wants to go to bed…ugh i going to try my very hardest to not cling on to him to tight. i need to suffer through this. im just waiting for it to not bother me anymore. its been 18 years and it seems like its been getting worse and worse. im just hoping that it will get better and i can be ok with being a loner.
Im afraid to make new friends because i feel like im just a burden on everyone. I feel like knowing me is a fuckin burden. i feel bad for wanting a friend. i feel like thats something i shouldn’t want to have. I cry too much. can’t get to sleep without crying, i cry in my fuckin sleep, night mares every single night, no rest. i feel like im being tormented. I feel like my birth was cursed. I was born the week of the loner. and i am a very lonely person. Im just all kinds of fucked up. im just going to write until my boyfriend calls me back again. I would really like to smoke a bowl but i can’t right now…
im afraid i won’t be able to do what i love most for a living. i don’t want those people to be right. they all tell me that i can’t make it being an artist. that i need a regular job. i need…to be normal. well im not FUCKIN normal…i dont want a regular job..i would suck at it too…i can’t do shit right…i fail at anything that isn’t artistic….shit i can’t even make artistic friends…i don’t understand why…i guess writing this much is keeping me from crying but i feel like i wont be able to keep myself from crying..i feel like i might end up crying myself to sleep again. it just seems to hard to get use to…
Where are my friends??
I don’t have many friends at all, im very close to saying that i don’t have friends at all. I miss my friends from school. I could name them all off the top of my head. Rachel B. Alex F. Matt L. Kyle H. Gina S. etc etc etc. They moved or went away to the military of college. You would think they would stay in contact with you but they don’t. Sometimes when they come back home to atlanta they won’t let me know, they wont see me, no visits, txt, or calls. Nothin. I’ve attempted having conversations with them but usually they die really easily or they just stop replying. Thats life i guess.
Open Book
There is something wrong with me. I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while now. Im an open book. Im so desperate to have a close friend that i can talk to that every little chance i get i tend to drown them with my emotions. I have too much water. I run everyone away because i greet them with a tidal wave. He is right, no one wants to sit and listen to you talk about your problems. I just wish i figured with out years ago..then maybe i would have close friends.
Im going to try and remain closed. Im going to try and go for as long as i can without talking to anyone for too long, or venting to anyone, or even looking like im sad. If my feelings are hurt i will keep it to myself. I will keep private things to myself. I will try and keep to myself. I want to have friends, so i need to mask my emotions and feelings and learn how to keep them masked.
i see people everyday, i can try and keep from talking about my personal life. I should have a shirt that says “T.M.I” lol. Little joke there. anyway, yea im going to try really hard to do this. I know im bottling up my emotions and feelings but if everyone else can do it i think i can too. Or i can come out to my mom that i smoke weed and somehow get her to let me smoke so i don’t have to hide it….Damn i see why people become addicted to drugs.
Permanent ink Tattoos
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There will be better days
Sometimes i get sad for a day,
but hey, i can’t help it,
im may not be epaleptic but i do have problems,
and i smoke weed to solve em,
sadly i have more issues than tissues,
so my tears might over flow,
but i know how to ride the waves to get to shore,
i know because i have done it many times before,
so don’t worry too much about my well being,
because the rainy days that im seeing are only temporary,
i’ll admit its kinda scary the bad feelings i get inside,
and i get the urge to run and hide but i don’t,
I know i can end it all now but i wont,
suicide has never been the answer for questions,
and the suggestions that i get don’t really help much either,
sometimes i just sit and sing alone to broken by seether,
sometimes i just sit and sing until i get the illusion of loosing my memory,
then there i go rushing off to emory’s emergency room,
where they will slice my heart open and remove all of the gloom and doom,
then for a while i’ll be ok once more,
not perfect but i’ll be better than before,
so don’t worry too much about my well being,
because the rainy days that im seeing are only temporary,
and i’ll admit it will be scary when I once again begin to drown,
but the frown on my face isn’t permanent so i shouldn’t think of it that way,
just like they say “there will be brighter and better days”
better days as in cloudless and sun rays,
so i’ll wait patiently for those days to come to past,
and i know it will not last but i’ll enjoy every minute of it while i can.
I guess im just venting again…
here i am again. stuck here in this room. No friends to talk to. I have a boyfriend but i guess you can’t just be happy with one you have to have both a boyfriend and a really really good friend…
I feel awful. why? cause im proned to being sad…i feel bad cause since i don’t have a good friend to talk to i want to talk to my boyfriend but i can’t just put all of my problems on one person. I carry my own negative emotions all by myself. but sometimes like right i can’t really hold on to all of them. my emotions start to spill out and i start to cry and complain…and to who?? no one. i like being able to talk to someone about how i feel…but…i feel that im wrong for wanting that. i’ve always felt that. i grew up with the thought that its wrong to confide in people..that you have to deal with your feelings on your own…no one should have to help you cause then you are weak. I wish i was like other people to be honest. i wish i could say what i wanted and not feel guilty. i wish i had that group of friends that are always there for me. i wish i wasn’t so afraid to go to people with my feelings…cause that also stops me.
sometimes someone will offer to help but i would just shun them and push them away cause i feel guilty. i feel that they shouldn’t have to listen to my bullshit
idk im just afraid that one day i will begin to stop valuing life…im not saying that i wold kill myself, im saying like i would eventually would get sick of living and look forward to my death date. like i would feel like dying almost everyday.
